10 ways to lose a friend

Monday, November 17, 2008 | 1 Comments

01. You insincerely ask, "How are you?" More and more this question is becoming a meaningless courtesy greeting. Among friends it should be genuine and asked with concern. If you ask a friend how they are, make a point to listen and care about the answer. If you ask just so you can segue the conversation to you and your troubles eventually your friend will catch on.

02. You make feelings a competition. Everyone has feelings and no one elected you to put value on them. If I feel sad, as a friend, it is not your duty to dismiss my feelings by telling me "that's nothing" and then tell me how your sadness is the real thing in comparison. There is no Sadness Olympics for you to win so why compete?

03. You take little interest in your friend. One of the things that made us friends was common interests, or even if we had little of those we found things interesting about each other. When the friendship becomes focused on one friend's life, interests, and hobbies it is out of balance. Instead of a two-way street where both persons are involved in an emotionally beneficial friendship, you have one who benefits emotionally and one who is just enduring. Forget yourself for a moment and let me tell you about my latest adventures.

04. You overdo it at the start. Meeting a new friend can be exciting. All of our friends bring certain qualities out in us and each new friend may feel like rediscovering parts of ourselves. As wonderful as your new friend is, remember that you had a life before you met them, and so did they. You may feel like spending every hour of every day with them. If you do, one of you will burnout. Or one of you will be shocked when the other remembers their other friends and makes plans with them instead. Let friendship grow naturally.

05. You judge your friends. Sally fell in love with a wonderful man who happens to be married. Jerry tried marijuana and it led to other things. Daisy hasn't gotten out of bed since Tom left. In times of weakness, your friends need you to be honest, supportive, loving, and understanding. If you forego those and opt for focusing on blame and punishment then what you really are doing is judging your friends. If you don't want someone standing over you in your time of weakness reminding you that it is all your fault, then don't do it to them. If you don't want Sally to ignore you or stop being a friend because of the mistakes you make, then do not do it to her. Besides, no one is perfect and no one needs a friend who thinks they are better than them.

06. You try to force it. Good friends have several reasons for their friendship. Sometimes you may make a friend based on one or two convenient reasons. For instance, you probably have co-workers that you consider friends based on your office camaraderie. However, if you invited them to hang out on the weekends, you will find that you are more compatible as friends with some than you are with others. With good faith, you will continue to hang out with the co-workers you feel compatible with and let the rest remain in the office. In bad faith, you would keep trying to make a friendship with those you are not compatible with. This is forcing things. Forced friends and relationships tend to end with resentment.

07. You compete for the opposite sex. You know who you are. You see your friend exchanging glances with someone across the room and your animal instincts kick in. You nonchalantly make a move on that someone before your friend does, pretending you didn't realize that your friend was interested. In another example, a member of the opposite sex is rapt with your friend's conversation and you make a joke that makes your friend look foolish or find some other diversion to steal the attention. You are undermining your friend's appeal to the opposite sex. It may amuse you on the surface, but your real reasons for doing so run deeper or you wouldn't behave this way toward someone you love-your friend. Don't worry. The world is large enough for us all to have sexappeal.

08. You're the self-proclaimed expert. When choosing music for the party, movies for movie night, or even refreshments for poker night, you want the final say. Why? You believe you have better taste than your friends. If you keep up with this, eventually, one of your friends will throw a party and you won't be invited. After all, you are not the only one who has to listen to the music, watch the movie, or endure the refreshments. Also, let your friends share what they know about the world, Physics, or poetry now and then even if they are not telling you anything new. You are not the only one with a voice worth hearing.

09. You use your friends. Using a friend means asking them to benefit you in a manner that disregards their mental, emotional, physical, or even financial well-being. Often quick to sympathize and empathize, I get used for a listening ear by people who have no intention of ever returning the favor. I have seen friends used for their car, social status, and other possessions.

10. You withdraw. I often withdraw when I get the blues. I make the time to keep my friends in the loop with me or else I risk losing touch. Friendships have to be maintained. Some people put more maintenance effort into their cars than their relationships. If you feel you need space to sort out turmoil in your life just give your friends a heads up. You'll be glad you did

Someone send me this by email. I think it's always good to review our behaviors and learn a bit more. I guess humans are just complicated. I remember another 30 ways to lose a friend... but I guess this 10 will be enough to do it succefully.

1 comentários:

xana said...

Não deixa de ser muito triste perdermos um amigo... mesmo quando decidimos perdê-lo por acharmos que será o mais adequado à nossa vida ou aos nossos principios.
Vou ver se te escrevo um texto que seja "as 10 formas de perdoar um amigo". Não te vejo a ficar zangada com ninguém a menos que seja de facto algo muito, muito grave mesmo. Vamos ver se ajuda ;)


Mei and Arawn